Marriage is a commitment not to be entered into lightly. I have listed below a few topics for discussion for couples considering marriage. If you feel you would benefit by some spiritual guidance through these topics, I am happy to meet with you. I can also recommend a psychologist with couples therapy experience.
Begin with some self reflection. How committed are you to entering in to an exclusive partnership? Love alone does not always guarantee a successful relationship. Awareness, willingness, acceptance and effort are also required. Are there behaviors that you need to work on and how much effort are you willing to expend to do so right now? Is there a “pet peeve” that you have about the other but think the other person will change after marriage? Decide now if you can live with it….they may never change!
Problems will arise in any relationship. Ignoring them does not make them go away, nor does nagging or harping on them. Joint problems require joint solutions. This is a sampling of topics that “trip couples up”.
1. Conflict Resolution
· What do you see as the best way to handle problems? Do you have a plan for raising issues, discussing them? Have you discussed how you will discuss problems and when?
2. Money
· Have you discussed how your finances will be handled? i.e. joint accounts, separate accounts for personal money and joint account for shared expenses, division of bills if each assuming responsibility for some, how much discretionary money will each of you have, who will take charge of paying the bills ( shared responsibility or one person), how will large purchases be agreed upon, what will happen if someone loses their job or becomes ill, does one of you spend more, the other save more, how much will you save, how do you feel about debt, what are your short and long term financial goals.
3. Children
· Do you want them? If so, when (remember it happens when it does you can plan but not control!). How many? How will childrearing responsibilities be handled? How do you feel about day care? What are your parenting and discipline styles- how were you raised and what do you plan to repeat/not repeat. How do you plan to raise the children spiritually? How about the financial responsibilities of children?
4. Spirituality
· Are you spiritually compatible, tolerant and respectful of each others beliefs?
5. Everyday Chores
· How do you plan to divide home responsibilities? (list everything indoors and outdoors whether its daily, weekly, monthly) Are you able to let go of the others responsibilities and not micro manage? What if the other person doesn’t hold up their end- what will you do?
6. Balancing time, outside responsibilities/interests and relationship
· How much time do you need to spend together and how much apart? What does quality time look and feel like to you? How will you handle extracurricular interests- ask before committing/commit and then inform the other etc. What do you need from the other person in terms of free time and communication about the needed time.
7. Intimacy
· How important is sexual intimacy to you and are you “on the same page” in terms of frequency? Are you able to communicate your needs?
8. Extended family
· How do you feel about each others families? Do you think its OK for them to just “show up” or do you need notice? How often do you want to see them/have them call? What will you do about families and holidays? How will you handle it as a couple if one of you have a difference of opinion with your spouse’s family?
One thing is for sure- if all you focus on are the problems, that’s all you have! This last topic is extremely important!
9. Seeing the positive
· How are you going to celebrate each others uniqueness, both accomplishments and personal attributes? How will you continue to be the person your partner fell in love with, yet still grow? How will you continue to acknowledge and encourage those aspects of your partner that you love and cherish? How will you make time for your relationship? How will you let your partner know how much you love and appreciate them- each and every day?